The Tenth Night

 

Nick made me laugh when he said, "You know, I think the people at work believe we're lovers."

"Oh, really? Did someone say something to you?"

"No, but I've been noticing glances, stifled laughter, things like that."

"And does it bother you?"

"No. I've been through worse, you know that."

"You know, it doesn’t bother me either, though it always intrigues me. No one has ever seen me in places or situations that suggested any kind of sexual activity, but people still seem to think I’m some kind of sexual predator."

"Very different from me," he said with a smile. "I mean, I was always seen in places and situations that made it pretty clear what my life was about. I even did a sex show at a dive bar."

"Well, I’ve been on stage once. I played one of João’s neighbor in Jorge Andrade’s “A Zebra”. A complete disaster on my part! Unforgettable, but a disaster."

"You never got involved with anyone?"

"Never. I’ve always been alone."

"I feel sad about being alone, but I’ve decided I’m not going back to my old life, so I think I’ll die alone."

"You fear more abuse."

"Another knife in my back, yes. You’ve managed to make peace with loneliness."

"I’m human, living and walking on the streets. That’s why I meet a lot of people who can ignite the spark of desire or even passion in me. When that happens, I just stay quietly in a corner until the passion passes — and it always passes. Passion is a feeling, it comes and goes; desire fades when you put your mind and body into something more useful than an orgasm. In between, I stay busy with useful or higher things."

"Does all of this have to do with your religion?"

"Not originally. I was doing all this before my conversion because, like you, I’m afraid of stabs in the back. That’s why, since my early twenties, I started walking in this direction. Then came the conversion, and the fact that the church asks everyone to live a chaste life according to their state. So, I just kept doing what I was already doing, but now with a much better layer than just my fear of betrayal. My relationship with God has, to some extent, replaced the need for human companionship."

"You live a fantasy as if it were real."

"God isn’t a fantasy, but a being, though many worship a fantasy they call God."

"And how do you distinguish one from the other?"

"The same way we recognize each other as beings. By opposing and challenging each other. By showing each other things we wouldn’t see on our own. That’s why our colleagues will die with their fantasies, which, in the end, only speak of themselves."

And we both laughed together.